Maidstone arrived early, buzzing with confidence and almost causing criminal damage in the car park as they attempted to manually open the barrier themselves. This bold show of initiative was unsuccessful, a theme that would quietly follow them for the rest of the afternoon.

PK’s pre-match captain’s address was delivered with the passion of a Braveheart speech and the vocabulary of a late-night clubhouse after a big away win. While it undeniably stirred the troops, it also left parents on the touchline questioning their life choices and has prompted serious discussion about whether PK should continue as skipper unless he bucks his ideas up and rediscovers the concept of “appropriate language”. A leadership seminar has been pencilled in.

TJ’s started brightly, pitching a tent in the Maidstone half for the opening 10–15 minutes. The scrum count hit double figures faster than anyone was emotionally prepared for, both packs clearly keen to re-enact old grudges. With patience wearing thin, TJ’s sensibly took the points, Zach Green calmly slotting a beauty from beyond the 22.

Maidstone attempted to respond shortly after but left their kicking boots in the car park.

TJ’s soon crossed for the first try of the day, Jonny dotting down, with the extras added soon after to keep the scoreboard ticking nicely.

Toby Slater continued his ridiculous run of form, folding one of Maidstone’s bigger units so cleanly that witnesses are still being interviewed. A Man of the Match performance that involved equal parts of legal violence and enthusiasm.

Monkey then burst into the game like a rogue bowling ball, causing immediate havoc in the backline, especially after Dickie departed injured. Defensive systems were abandoned, panic ensued, and TJ’s smiled politely while running at it.

The lineout, which looked excellent in the warm-up, opted for an interpretive performance during the game. Despite this, TJ’s somehow secured most of their own ball.
One unforgettable moment saw PK almost certainly concussed, take a clean catch and thunder off confidently in the wrong direction. Only after several strides and a chorus of increasingly desperate screams did he realise the try line was elsewhere.

The injured and ageing Marden Snr contingent launched a strong “Dick of the Day” campaign, later overwhelmingly successful in the clubhouse vote.

Penalties were refreshingly few, suggesting the boys listened to PK’s speech, or were simply terrified of hearing another one.

TJ’s defence stood firm against some big, hard-running Maidstone carriers who ran out of enthusiasm, energy, and possibly oxygen in the second half. Maidstone did manage a try in each half, both well earned and politely applauded.

The second half saw TJ’s ruthlessly target a fragile left wing, who will still be having flashbacks well into Christmas.

There were heart-warming returns to rugby for Dave “The Wrecking Ball” Allen, Shippers the self-appointed scrum coordinator, Ten pin king Monkey.
Jenson kindly donated a bicep to the cause, while Harry quietly controlled the breakdown like an adult supervising children.

Callum and PK offered a solid blend of youth and experience in the second row, though PK may wish to work on both his navigation skills and his vocabulary moving forward.

Maidstone, to their credit, turned out to be a genuinely decent bunch with no grief on the pitch.

The referee had a strong game too, despite being assessed.

Outstanding tee support from the sideline once again. Water logistics, however, remain under review.

A convincing 40–12 home win for TJ’s 3XV, featuring dominant rugby, questionable decision-making, and leadership language that may yet trigger a safeguarding meeting.

Finally, a massive thank you to our fans for their brilliant support so far this season, it genuinely helps (and occasionally provides much-needed shouting).

We wish you all a very Merry Christmas and look forward to seeing you back on the touchline in the New Year.