On a pitch that looked less like a rugby field and more like the aftermath of a hippo spa day, TJs 3XV battled their way to a gritty 34–19 home win over Gravesend 3XV. Conditions were so bad the ball may as well have been dipped in Fairy Liquid, every second carry seemed to slip away like a bar of soap in a prison shower.
TJs kicked off at The Fortress, and the first quarter can best be described as, scrum, reset scrum, another scrum, accidental scrum, and oh look, another scrum. Massive shoutout to the TJs front row, who spent more time with their heads in the mud than above it. Their chiropractor is already drafting an invoice.
After a full half-hour of mud wrestling, the scoreboard finally shifted. 0–0 after 30 minutes, until Sam Nicholls decided he’d had enough and dotted down to break the deadlock.
Around this time our backs discovered a revolutionary tactic, running around people instead of passing to them. It worked embarrassingly well.
Jack Truman, meanwhile, punched holes in the Gravesend defence the way a toddler punches buttons on a lift. Nathan Court joined the chaos, smashing through any mud-covered fool in his path before scoring under the posts for his first ever TJs try!
Second Half
If the first half was muddy, the second half was a reenactment of The Somme. Players were identifiable only through vague silhouettes and occasional swearing.
Yet from this treacherous terrain rose Stenners, seizing on a turnover in the Gravesend 22 to strike once more. The Fortress roared again, or that may have been someone losing their footing violently.
But tragedy struck.
In a haunting moment destined for slow-motion replay, Archie Yorke attempted a clearance kick without remembering to lift his foot out of the swamp.
The ball stumbled pathetically, Gravesend capitalised.
The air was thick with horror… and mud.
Still, heroes rise.
Cormy, firefighter, warrior, mud-covered demigod, blazed through the defence on a lung-busting run, setting up Toby Laubach, who hurled himself over the line with all the grace of a falling wardrobe.
Gravesend nabbed a consolation try in the final second, by which point most players were too exhausted to care and too muddy to move.
Player Shoutouts
• Man of the Match – Nathan Court: First try for TJ’s, tackled everything, carried like a bulldozer.
• Toby Slater. Mr. Consistent at 13. didn’t miss a single tackle, gained meters for fun, and probably still has mud in his ears.
• Tom Milburn: Getting too big for his boots… which is saying something, because his boots were filled with about two litres of swamp water.
Full credit to a battered Gravesend squad who still turned up despite carrying more injuries than a hospital ward. Good effort from them to keep the game entertaining throughout.
What’s Next?
TJs remain top of the league and head to Whitstable 2XV next weekend—presumably hoping for a pitch that involves less swimming.